The game of basketball requires oversized men to get a ball through a metal hoop. Some might say the very premise sounds ridiculous, but those individuals obviously haven’t witnessed the sport of curling.
Even if you’re dead serious about events in the NBA and NCAA, you have to admit that basketball players and coaches often say the darndest things. As proof, I offer these 21 quotable gems.
“Our offense is like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer.” – Shaquille O’Neal
While I hate to disagree with anyone nicknamed “The Big Aristotle,” the Pythagorean Theorem does have an answer: the square of the hypotenuse in a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. Then again, in addition to nicknaming himself after a Greek philosopher, Shaq has also been known by monikers such as “The Big Galactus,” “The Diesel,” and “Wilt Chamberneezy.”
“I’ll always be number one to myself.” – Moses Malone
While the NBA center’s statement was hardly humble, maybe he was just speaking the truth. After all, we’re talking about a 12-time All-Star, a six-time rebounding leader, and the MVP of the 1983 NBA Finals. When an assistant coach with the Rockets once suggested that Malone work on his passing, he replied in an equally honest fashion by stating, “They ain’t paying me to pass.”
“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford
The future NBA bench player and international starter made this academically cringeworthy statement while still a student at North Carolina State. Not surprisingly, he was once suspended a full semester for poor grades, prompting a former department head to say that he “should never have been in school.”
“Well, he’s a good player for Minnesota.” – Gary Payton
This one isn’t funny until you realize that “The Glove” was being asked about the nation of Serbia instead of an actual player. While his grasp of international geography may have been on par with Charles Shackleford’s English skills, that didn’t stop him from becoming one of the most complete point guards of all time.
“They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you that practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.” – Wilt Chamberlain
Words of wisdom from the only player to ever score 100 points in an NBA game. He also got plenty of practice in other areas, as he famously claimed to have slept with 20,000 women during his lifetime.
“We’re just playing basketball. It’s not like we’re going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.” – Charles Barkley
When it comes to funny basketball quotes, few people can hold a candle to the “Round Mound of Rebound.” This quote came during his 1991-1992 season in Philadelphia, when he wore the number 32 to honor HIV-positive pal Magic Johnson. When a reporter asked if Barkley would be nervous playing against an opponent with the virus, he responded in his usual inimitable fashion.
“It’s always frustrating when you get down 40 points.” – Nazr Mohammed
While he’s won a pair of NCAA titles and one NBA championship, Mohammed has also suffered through his share of tough seasons. This quote came in 2004, when he was part of the 33-49 New York Knicks squad.
“Manute Bol is so skinny, to save money on road trips they just fax him from city to city.” – Woody Allen
The director, comic, and longtime Knicks fan once poked good-natured fun at the rail-thin center from the Sudan. Ironically, Allen himself would later become the butt of numerous punchlines, mostly revolving around a number of female-related scandals.
“We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weight more.” – Vlade Divac
For decades, players have been showing up to training camp with all sorts of excuses to explain unwanted weight gain. However, this fib from the 7’1” Serbian center takes the cake.
“We’re shooting 100 percent. Sixty percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.” – Norm Stewart
The teams led by this legendary coach actually performed much better than the quote would indicate. His overall record during a 38-year career was 731-375, and he was inducted into the College Basketball Hall of Fame in 2007.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd
Kidd made this comment after being drafted second overall by the lackluster Mavericks. After being traded and getting to a pair of finals with the Nets, the future Hall of Fame point guard would get the last laugh by winning his only NBA title in 2011…with the Dallas Mavericks.
”I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.” – Frank Layden
The former Jazz coach attributed the above statement to one of his former players, although you can bet it wasn’t John Stockton or Karl Malone.
“These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me; they won’t make you rebound like me; they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.” – Charles Barkley
Sir Charles hyping his latest sneakers in a way guaranteed to keep Nike marketing executives up at night.
“We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.” – Weldon Drew
Maybe that explains why the New Mexico State Aggies, which Drew coached from 1979 to 1985, only compiled an 82-84 record during his tenure.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl.” – Reggie Evans
During a game between the Sonics and the Grizzlies, Evans and Pau Gasol threw harsh words and elbows at one another. When asked about the behavior of the Spanish Gasol—long known throughout the league as a soft crybaby—Evans offered up this memorable nugget.
“If you make every game a life and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.” – Dean Smith
Smith would’ve died 254 times during his career, although his legendary tenure as UNC coach ended with a lifetime winning percentage of .776. Perhaps even more impressive, he managed to run a clean program while preparing future superstars such as Michael Jordan, Bob McAdoo, and James Worthy for the NBA.
“I knew it was time to retire when I was driving down the lane and got called for a three-second violation.” – Johnny Kerr
The former player, coach, and Bulls color commentator perfectly summed up the struggle between aging athletes and the relentless march of time.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” – Shaquille O’Neal
Even while complaining about crass consumerism, Shaq Daddy finds a way to fulfill a few contractual obligations. You can’t fault him, either, as he’s racked up a fortune almost equal to his NBA salary by schilling for everything from Burger King to Vitamin Water.
“Because there are no fours.” – Antoine Walker
When asked why he attempted so many three-points, this was Walker’s response. He wasn’t kidding, either, as he led the league in attempts from behind the arc in two consecutive season from 2000 to 2002.
“This is a game that, if you lose, you go home and beat your wife and kids. Did you see my wife jumping up and down at the end of the game? That’s because she knew I wasn’t going to beat her.” – Charles Barkley
While it infuriated women’s groups and later prompted an apology from Sir Charles, this off-the-cuff jest remains hilarious for its sheer audacity, if nothing else.
And, of course, no list of funny basketball quotes would be complete without the following…
“Practice? I mean, listen, we’re talking about practice. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game. We’re talking about practice. Not a game. Not the game. Not the game. We’re talkin’ about practice, man. We’re talkin’ about practice. We’re talkin’ about practice, man. What are we talkin’ about? Practice. We’re talkin’ about practice, man.” – Allen Iverson
Perhaps the best example of a quote taken out of context, the musings of the 76ers star forever branded him a selfish player in the eyes of most Americans. In reality, he wasn’t knocking basketball practice. Instead, he was talking about how ridiculous it was that his team was struggling and he was being forced to answer questions about a supposed absence from a practice session.
